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10
OctDone!!!
I am beyond caring.
I am so sick of being the one who cares, the one who wants to make everything right.
I am done trying.
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16
SepI am who I am
Why do I feel the need to keep everyone happy and on the good side…
Do I honestly care that much about how people are, what they think etc…
I am so mad at myself right now…..
There are people in my life whom I seem to be chasing all the time, they ask me for things, I do it, they need something I get it, I try and help out wherever I can, to whomever I can, there is no judgement when I get asked for help just a strong desire to help them with whatever they need…..
Yet on the other hand whenever I ask for one thing, what do I get….
NOTHING
a great big fat nothing from anyone…
That sends me into another spiral….
One day I am so mad that they aren’t there, never are and probably never will be, I get so so cranky and think what is all the use of chasing someone around who clearly doesnt give a hoot….
but then the next day when the anger wears off I am a wreck, a sad, depressed person who can’t understand why I am nobody…to everybody, I don’t ask for much, i never do, its against my nature to ask for help, but I am not stupid and when the time comes that I really do need it, I ask….
So up and down on my toxic friendship rollercoaster.
Why can I not break free and see that I am the only one holding on to the past and the friendships I thought I had?
Why can I not say enough is enough and just let them slide, knowing that next time they come to me asking for my help…I won’t be there
But do I have the strength for that?
I hate that I am so trusting, yet can’t seem to do anything that changes that…
i would love to be strong, tell them what is really going on, say to them that I am not here just for them, that a friendship is a two way street….
Tell them that it is not ok to call me up whenever they feel they have a crisis and demand my help but then not answer my calls or emails or such…
But I know this is not me, I just can’t do it… unfortunately I know myself well enough to know that no matter how much they aren’t there, or don’t care, or even can’t be bothered I will still be there for them, no matter what the issue, I will try and help.
Its just who I am and a leopard can’t change its spots.
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16
SepDay 06 - Earliest thing you can remember
The earliest thing I can remember is I think from my first primary school, I remember the smells of the kids lunches, the way we used to pile out at lunch time and sit on the chairs under the big shady elm trees, the sun would always shine thru the trees making patterns all over the ground that we used to love making pictures from
Ah the days of carefree fun, with not a worry in the world other than what spread mum used on the sandwich and who is friends with who….
The smell of all the kids lunches I can still smell to this day, the funny thing is I have been back to many schools and they just don’t smell the same any more, maybe cause when we were going to school it was a sandwich, drink, and soemthing like a yogo or a yoghurt, some fruit and a small packet of chips… that was standard and I think thats what made the smell so unique, nowadays there is anything form sushi to curries and everything in between.
Oh to go back to those days
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15
SepDay 05 - A thank you letter to someone who has changed your life
To my better half,
The moment you stepped into my life, I knew you were different from the others, there was something about you that wanted me to learn more about you.
You weren’t interested in my past, what I have or haven’t done, you were only interested in getting to know me.
No one has ever wanted to get to know me so intimately, not only my good but the bad in me also…. and never once have you judged me or questioned me.
I owe so much to you, and in all honesty I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, you have lifted me up when things are bad, you have laughed, cried and been crazy with me, you ground me when I need it and you hold me up when things get tough.
So much you have had to put up with, especially my “episodes” but never once have you lost faith in me, in us, you are always there supporting me, listening to me and being there.
For that I just cant thank you enough.
Not many have been able to see through who I want them to see and taken the time to really look at me and see who i am and what I am all about.
You have stood up for me, defended me, even lost some friends and family over me…
You changed my life in so many ways, the biggest one being you showed me how to love again, how to have trust and faith in others…
you showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally without wanting to change me….
Words can not be put onto paper or said that could come anywhere close to how much I love you and how appreciative I am for everything you have done, you took me off my destructive collision course and steered me back on to the right path.
I love you now and forever
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15
SepSLEEP
What a funny thing sleep is, there are those who can fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow and then there are those who no matter what they just cant sleep…
Me i am the latter of the two, everyday I struggle through, trying to keep my wits about me and my head in control, feeling so tired it physically aches, yet when i lay that head down on that pillow….
NOTHING HAPPENS
I lay there away for half the night, my head is like one big circus having a rave party all dosed up on speed, theres so much movement going round inside my brain that at times I think it really will just combust one day…
There is just no turning it off, even with sleeping tablets which I have tried aplenty of, still no luck, I will sleep for around one hour then up again and awake and really starting to get annoyed…
The doctor decided to put me on Rohypnol after all the others weren’t kicking it… finally I think I will get some sleep….
little did I know it had no effect on me whatsoever… a little lethargic but nothing like I don’t normally feel after 3 days or more of no or little sleep, I guess the good side to all of this is that I can go out and not have to worry about being slipped the drug and having it knock me out….
But really should I be suprised, I am not on any medication as nothing works, we have tried everything form the mood stabilizers to the anti depressants to antipsychotic drugs… and they all just made me worse…
It really is getting beyond a joke at this stage, All I want is to have some freaking sleep….
To get off this super fast merry go round and just stop….
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1
14
SepDay 04 - What you imagine paradise to be like
To me paradise is a place where one can truly be themselves without the ideals and perceptions that people place on one another, to often these days stigmas put a hold on peoples true self, they hold oneself back from becoming what it is they are striving for.
No judgment, no preconceived perceptions, no having to validate oneself to feel worth while, no having to justify actions/emotions or thoughts …
that to me is paradise
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14
Sep
Juliet Simms <3
So unbelievably gorgeous not to mention how talented she is…
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13
Sep
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13
SepOne of those days
Today is one of those days… what kind of day you may ask?
Do you ever have a day that you just have to ruin, in some way shape or form…..
From the moment I woke up today I have found fault in anything and everything I can….
There’s nothing on Tv, they are playing crap on the radio, people annoy you for no reason, even simple things like getting a drink or making something to eat has become pains in the @ss.
I am not in a bad mood, but yet things annoy me….
Though we are only half way thru the day so maybe this cloud of annoyance will lift and allow one to enjoy this fine day
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13
Septhe-madness-deactivated20100930 asked: why do you only follow me? I cant be that interesting.
Thanks for your question….
I find that people with Bipolar are naturally interested in others, I find I understand alot of what you are saying where others just don’t get us.
Ps I have found two people now to follow that I find interesting…>’.’<
For those who are on the outside looking in, wondering what it is like to be trapped....
Welcome to...
INSIDE MY ASYLUM
Following
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Tonight was awful
- The guy I like is a dick.
- People suck.
- Rumors were spread about me.
- The...
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Truth,
I’m scared I’m not going to be able to control my disorders, and they’re going to ruin my...
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So I keep doing this thing where I get really, really happy, then I get really, really excited and...
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